In losing love, you find yourself
How loss can lead to rediscovery.
Losing a person you love can be one of the most traumatic and destabilising experiences we go through. Whether this loss is caused by death or a breakup, the grief cycle is similar.
Nobody can protect nor prepare you for the emotions and the pain you feel. They are unique to you.
Overnight, heartbreak can turn us from logical, rational beings into people we don’t recognise. Our minds and emotions can seem out of control as they go searching for answers, replaying memories and conjuring visions that bare no resemblance to any truth. In doing so we can feel directionless, purposeless and like our identity is lost.
Heartbreak offers the same experience as grief. There is a rollercoaster of emotions, which can often feel like they come from nowhere. Feelings of shock, denial, helplessness, anger, pain and self blame will all make themselves available to you. The waves of tears can find you when you least expect them to, and that is okay. It is okay to feel them, in fact we need to feel them in order to heal them. Too many of us act with emotional pain, only to criticise ourselves for hurting.
Heartbreak is often depicted in a way that is a story, the emotion, our response to the pain and how we then move forward. Whilst each of us may carry a different story, all of us have at some point shared the same feelings.
These feelings are so root shaking and so deep for a reason. There are several scientific studies which have shown that, during a heart break, our brain recognises the pain to be that of physical pain. In the same way a great stomach cramp can keep you from sleeping, create feelings of nausea and an inability to concentrate, as does heart ache.
When we lose someone, we are letting them go. But letting go does not happen once. You don’t just let them go when you decide to no longer be together. You let go the first time you sleep in a bed alone. You let them go the first morning when you do not contact them. You let them go when you hear that song that was once yours. You let them go when you find yourself seeking comfort in someone else. You let them go the first time you kiss someone else. It is a constant process of letting go, and unravelling of the past. However, in letting go of the past, you are also making way for the future.
There is no denying that the pain it will cause, will be unbearable at points, but it also offers change from the old and an opportunity to rediscover YOU without them. Though you may not see it, inevitably when you enter into a relationship, parts of yourself will be morphed into them. You form a joint identity, they are as much as you as you are of them. Learning who you are again, is and can be a beautiful, healing and life changing process.
In losing the person we love, we rediscover who we truly are.
Here are some reminders, some pointers, some steps and some words if you need them.
With the love that you previously gave to them. Give it to yourself, in its entirety. The love you create, you give to others is one of the most magical and beautiful gifts you have to offer this world, so give it to yourself.
Give yourself the compassion when you are feeling vulnerable. It takes bravery to sit and experience the emotions that will wash over you rather than to block them out. Don’t shy away from them. Be them. Laugh, cry, get angry, let the doubt surface but know that they will pass and you will be stronger for it.
Accept the past as the past, it is not the present. It cannot be changed, you cannot undo it and whatever happened, happened. In order to move forward, it is time to consciously accept, consciously let go and consciously choose detached from the previous narrative as it is no longer part of who you are today. All of this is a choice and you are in control of making that choice.
Remind yourself that whilst change can feel scary and unsettling, it is in the wave of new direction that we truly grow. Embrace the new, embrace the change and watch as you grow.
This new amount of time you now have, is so precious. For the first time, you can dedicate your life to yourself and nobody else. Surround yourself with people who love you, who know you. Someone who will provide ears for your words to fall on, a shoulder to cry on and someone who will tell you, if you can’t, that it will pass. Because it will. Nothing is forever.
Do the things you love, the things that make you feel alive, the things you always wanted to do. Sometimes in a relationship, we will put them before our own wants and needs — You don’t need to do that anymore. Sit with yourself, ask yourself, what do I really want and do it. Stop saying yes to everyone else and say yes to yourself instead.
Be compassionate with yourself. There is no prescribed fit, no one size fits all when it comes to losing someone. The experience is unique to us. The time it will take to heal is unique to us. Though you may want to rush the process and look for a quick fix, give yourself that time and space to properly heal.
Remember that experiences are temporary. Nobody can control the future or what will happen next. Understanding that this experience whilst it may hurt now is in fact only temporary and if you want it to be, it can be healing. Life will forever come in ebbs and flows, but it will never remain a constant. When you learn to be curious, to love the feeling of change, who knows what is waiting for you. How we perceive experiences is up to us, rather than trying to control them, if we allow them to come to us freely without judgement, they might just pass quicker.
It might not seem it, but you are growing from this experience. Every person we meet has something to teach us. There are lessons from this love that you can take with you. In a relationship we can learn more about our own insecurities and our own triggers, then we might think. Now is the chance to explore them, to know them, and to not judge them. Trust that you are a better person for this, trust that you have deepened on an emotional level, you have grown, you have already learnt more about you than you realise, and when the time is right, these lessons will show themselves to you.
Break ups, and losing the person you love is by no means easy, but it can be beautiful. It is the opportunity to uncover parts of yourself you lost, a chance to deepen the relationship you have with yourself and with others and the opportunity to learn more about YOU than previously. It is freedom, it is empowerment and above anything it is courageous.
As with everything in life, time is the greatest healer. But so is self compassion. You are not alone in your journey. With time and love, the waves of emotions will become less and less. The pain will pass, the memories will become more faded and you will walk away from this experience with a deeper understanding of yourself, and if you want it to, it can shape you for the better.
